Friday, August 26, 2005

too much

The last few weeks have been amazingly stressful in two key areas which I cannot write about here. Hardly a day has gone by that I have not shed tears at some point. I've been unloading to some of my girlfriends by email in one of these areas, and Geneticist just responded with so much compassion and understanding that I broke down and cried in my office just now.

I keep another blog for one of these areas of my life, and while the readership is not nearly as high as here, it's more sympathetic. It's why there is a separate blog in the first place instead of this one doing double duty for that one.

The other area of my life must be kept very private and the stress of it is consuming me.

Between both of these stresses, the future looks very dim right now. The separation and divorce is a walk in the park in comparison. I'm just trying to make it from day to day in most instances lately. I'm focusing, when I can focus, on cutting down on outside distractions: discontinuing book club memberships, resigning from volunteer positions ... I want no more obligations on me other than the absolute necessities and Spring Thomas.

I'm considering asking X2B to take jack for a full week while I can focus solely on these two all-consuming areas of my life and get some grasp on them instead of turning off the stress and putting on a happy face daily between 6:30 and 8:45 AM, and 2:45 and 8 PM. I don't feel I can be a good mother right now.

I don't like the feeling of having no control, but worse, I hate the feeling that I can't write about any of it freely here. This blog is closer to being done now than ever.